Stinky Cheese

     I am about to share one of my flaws with you all. So I'm trusting that you will still be my friend after you read this. If you think your view of me might change- then visit another blog. :) One of the things I have struggled with since I was in elementary school was cleaning out my lunch box. I'd leave sandwiches, empty jello containers, spoons with peanut butter on them, a banana peel, you name it- I'm sure I left it in there at sometime or another for a good while. The worst was when I'd take tomato soup- inevitably I'd always leave it in there for a week or so. I'm sure your stomachs are churning at this thought... espically if you are Robin Gaddis- the wonderful lady who gave birth to me and is my mother. Because- not always- but most times- she was the one that cleaned out the moldy, smelly nastiness. Forgive me, momma!
     My old habit has struck again. As I am sitting and typing this blog right now there is a cute pink lunchbox sitting on the stairs right now. And it is holding one of my new favorites foods! Brie cheese and a block of sharp cheddar cheese. This would not be bad if it was ready for me to go to work this afternoon- nope, it's not. It has actually been sitting there for probably a week. I know, I know- nasty. And I'm still dreading going in there and opening it up. I'm sure my stomach is going to turn when I open it. But today is the day. I will conquer the pink lunchbox and stinky cheese.
     So I was thinking about this situation this morning, (of course only thinking- not acting upon it), and the Holy Spirit quickened me and whispered a truth inside of me. He said- do you have some stinky cheese in you that you're avoiding because you know that it isn't going to be the prettiest? Do you have some sin, a situation, a relationship, a wounded heart that you aren't willing to open up and clean up the mess inside? I do this often. I know that there is something that I have got to get settled with the Lord but I keep ignoring it- and the longer I ignore it the worst it gets. You know if I would have came home the day I packed that lunch and put the cheese back in the refrigerator and cleaned out everything else in my lunch box it would have never gotten moldy or smelly. The same way with things I deal internally with. If I would go straight to the Lord and admit that I am struggling then it would never have time to get smelly and nasty. But weeks, months, years pass and we ignore the things that are dragging us down. We think about them from time to time and just pass on that we'll get to them another time.
     So what is it in our lives that we're ignoring? That we're not letting the Savior clean out? Something that is just sitting in our lunchbox? Do you think it's time to clean it out?

     He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” Revelation 21:5


     He came to make all things new- He came to renew you- to give you joy and peace. Time to clean it out the wounds. Yes, it may stink. Yes, it may have grown to something you never thought it'd grow into- but better to stop it now then let it get even bigger. 


     What's your stinky cheese? What's your advice? 


Yes mom, I'm going to clean it out now. 


<3, B

The Heartbeat of Yahweh.

Jesus, what is Your heartbeat? What makes it beat faster? What breaks your heart? What makes your heart sing? These are questions that run through my head. And today has been one of those days. I want to know what makes my Father's heart beat. I want to be about my Father's business. 

     Today, as I was thinking back on this question and my past with it, I remembered an encounter I had with my Savior a couple of months ago. It was during a worship service and I hit the floor. Holy Spirit welled up inside of me and told me to get on my face. So there I was.... face down on the floor... at first I began to laugh- because I was on the floor and then I began to weep. This thought of being about my Father's business consumed me. I knew I had been maintaining for a while. I knew that I wasn't really giving the Lord every ounce of who I am. So ten, twenty, I don't really know how long passed during that worship service. And I finally asked the Lord, "What makes your heart beat?" 

     At that moment- the drums began to beat, I could hear people jumping, dancing, and singing to the Lord. My ear against the floor and the movement of people in worship vibrated the floor. And the Lord replied, "This, my Daughter, is my heartbeat. Worshippers arising, Warriors uniting, and my Holy Spirit moving in each one of You." 

     So now I am to the part of how do I make his heartbeat my own? I want His desires to become mine. Not my desires becoming His. I want His word planted in me deep. I want to be unshakeable. I want the Heartbeat of my Yahweh to run deep into my veins and vessels and every little ounce of area that there is. And I want to be about my Father's business. 

     So worshippers arise. The time has come. Warriors unite and prepare. And Followers- be about your Father's business. Let's make his heartbeat a little faster today. 

Remember. Grow. Expect. Gratitude.

     To start things off.... I just want to thank the Lord God Almighty for how extremely blessed I am. I am so thankful for the things that have happened to me, the things that are in my life and the things that are yet to come. Which leads me to my whole purpose for writing this blog. Remembering who you were, growing who you are, expecting what is a head and always being thankful. 

     Remembering back on my life is pretty overwhelming. I am so blessed to have had a relatively normal life. Nothing horribly tragic has happened to me. I have a family who loves and supports me. But looking back on where I was in my walk with God at age 7 when I accepted him into my life. At age 13 where I began to understand the importance of a quiet time. At age 15 when I felt the call to overseas missions. At age 16 on my independent streak where I ignored God. At age 17 when my life was thrown for a whirwind moving away and then moving back home. At age 18 deciding to pursue missions and put college on the back burner. Turning 19 in Panama in Central America at a place of brokenness and surrender to the Lord. And now almost being 20 serving and learning about an amazing God, and a powerful Holy Spirit. That's a blast from the past over my almost 20 years of living. 

     Last night I was looking back on the last 4 months. I have learned, grown, and am still growing so much.  And still have so much to learn. But I am so thankful for where I was 4 months ago and also thankful for where I am now. Learning how God speaks to me has been the most amazing and challenging time of my life... and He still continues to surprise me. 

     Growing is not always an easy part of our lives but is extremely essential. It requires a surrender attitude. It is hard to grow in your walk with God without sacrifice of some sort. Not the crazy hurt myself for salvation kind of thing. But a sacrifice of self... taking on a servant attitude. Going low to go high. I love how Pastor Jeff Phillips says, "Kingdom is a kingdom of opposites. To get you have to give. To go high you must go low." So in an aspect to grow you must shrink. You must surrender yourself completely to the will of the Father. It must turn into Thy will not my will. This is something I struggle with. Daily I have to remind myself that it is not me.... it is Christ who lives in me. I am Christ's mouth, his body. I am responsible for loving others more than myself. It is a wonderful lifestyle to live and I wouldn't trade it for the world. I never miss a penny I give. And I never miss an ounce of myself that I surrender to the Lord. And the great thing about it is that He [God] is much more capable of handling my life than I am. His purpose and his ways are much higher than mine. And in that I take comfort and delight.  So in this moment Lord- I give You who I am. Take it, it is Yours. Use me where you desire. Give me Holy Spirit eyes and open my eyes to the things that break Your heart. Give me a Jesus boldness to do greater things. 

     I am so excited for the things that are ahead. I feel the Holy Spirit releasing some exciting things for the Church in a whole and for myself. I feel like this next season is going to be a season of fruitfulness. I believe that God is going to reveal himself in ways that we aren't used to, it's going to take us changing our outlook on our walk with the Lord and being open to new ways of the Holy Spirit moving. I am excited for a move of God in Owensboro, Kentucky. And I believe that revival is coming. I have been praying and seeking God on our little, cute, and homey city and he has told me that it is coming. Praise the Lord! I am so excited to see where God is going to take my life. I am expectant of a wonderful husband who will encourage and push my walk with the Lord. Someone I can serve alongside. I am so excited to see what mission fields I will step on. To see what lives will impact me. To see little orphans being fed. (www.mercy29.org). To see Promiseland Metro Church grow by multiplication. To see the churches unite in Owensboro, Ky. And then state wide, and then nation- wide... and then reaching out to  the globe. I have so many desires and dreams and visions of what is to come. And just to think- that it's going to better than anything that I can envision! 

     I am so thankful for everything that the Lord has revealed to me. For my family. Promiseland Metro. Church family. Friends. Work. Love. Laughter. Joy. Peace. Freedom. Releasing of His Spirit. Movement of God. Choosing and calling me. Countries. Nations. Glory to God. I am sooooo thankful for all of this. 

What parts of your life do you remember?

What part of you needs to grow and develop?

What do you expect?

What are you thankful for? 

I'd love to hear about your story and what God has saved you from. And the things that He is leading you into. 

The In Between

My prayer for the last year has been, "Lord what next? Send me! What's your desire for me!? Anything to make your heart beat a little faster and to glorify Your kingdom." And honestly, this is still the prayer I pray. I recently decided that I am an In Between. I am not really stuck, but I am not totally "there". You know, "there", the place that you know you are destined, called, or appointed to be at by God. I know confidently that I am to wait. That is what the Lord has been speaking to me. I know that I am moving in the right direction. That I am taking the steps that are necessary, I'm just not totally there. I'm in a transition season. In a time where everything doesn't necessarily make [logical] sense.
     But here is what I do know....
-I am called to love. Love everyone. Love life.
-I am called to mother. Mother nations.
-I am called to heal hearts and bodies through the power of Jesus Christ.
-I am called to smile and laugh and enjoy life.
-I am called to minister in the small ways.
-I am called to overseas missions throughout my entire life. (India is in the works now for this fall.... join in prayer for finances and more wisdom on this short-term trip and any other that the Lord may have for me.)
-I am called to rest and let God take it.
- I am called to so much more that God is still revealing.
-I am called to want more but still be content with what God has placed on my plate.

I have to remind myself of these things.... or else I get caught up in what everyone else is doing. I have to remind myself that I am still worth something even though I am not in college... Jesus is who matters. And following in what he speaks to my heart. So Lord, it's in Your hands. I am clay. You are the potter. Mold and make me.


I think I'll rejoice in this season of In Betweeness.

Pampering and Daily Hygiene

     This morning I just got frustrated. Simply frustrated. Frustrated with the fact that every morning I find myself having to clean myself up. Shower. Blow dry hair. Straighten hair. Hair product. Make up (if you're lucky). Clothes. Change again because I don't feel pretty in the first outfit. Brush teeth. And don't forget the deodorant. I know you may think that I am crazy for being frustrated with that. But when I am doing my hair I just look int he mirror and think- Here we are again. After I got ready this morning.... okay it was afternoon by the time I got ready today... I was thinking about this frustration. And I realized that that is how I have been feeling about my walk with God as well. Which I need to say- is not good. I have grown weary of refreshing in the physical and in the spiritual. This daily routine is a necessity for me to be clean and presentable. I need to bathe and do my hair. And when I only do half way- like don't put volumizer in my hair or forget hairspray my hair grows flat. I know my routine for me and how I look to last the whole day. And I know the same thing about my spiritual life. I know that I need desperately to be in God's word every day to stay afloat. To not get frustrated in the middle of the day because I'm feeling flat in my spirituality. (This blog is so woman language.) I need that time with the Lord of prepping of initmacy with the Lord. And when I spend time in the word my life radiates. Circumstances may not radiate but my joy and peace is well.
     My other thought about this was sometimes we need our hair cut, manicures, pedicures, facials... you know, all the good clean up for real kind of thing. The spring cleaning (that happens biweekly ;) haha) we need and most of the time just want these things. In our spiritual life we need the same thing- we need to be manicured- pruned- trimmed up. A body check of what is impure in my life to be cut off. To expose ourselves entirely to the Lord and surrender it all to Him.
     I know that this may not make sense to all of you. But, it makes sense to me. And I hope it clicks with you as well. Time for a manicure in my walk with God.


Jesus, forgive me for not seeking you every day. Forgive me for my frustrations. Give me a hunger and a thirst for Your word. I love you Lord. You are so good to me. Amen. 

The Heart of a Woman.

     Over the past few weeks I have had an incredible heart for women. There are so many wounded and hurt women in this world. We don't always see it at first, they may still be smiling but deep inside of them they are crying. This really breaks my heart. It makes me want to sit down with women, younger and older, and get to know them, their heart, who they really are. Their passions, dreams, and fears. After I heard a [true] story the other day I came to a realization about women in general, women have been told lies their whole life; not only from other people but also from themselves. We tell ourselves that we aren't eloquent, pretty, smart, witty, stylish, fit, [etc....] enough. And we have spoken these lies for so long that we believe them. And this breaks my heart. Women have the capability of mothering and loving people in a way that men do not. We have a motherly instinct in us, we have beauty and zest. We add flavoring to life. And we run and hide from it.
     I have been reading Captivating and this has brought a lot of this to my attention as well. Let me share with you some of the quotes that I really enjoyed reading.
    
     "This well-spring of life [the heart] within us is the very essence of our existence, the center of our being. Your heart as a woman is the most important thing about you."

     "We desire to possess a beauty that is worth pursuing, worth fighting for, a beauty that is core to who we truly are."
 
    "That longing in the heart of a woman to share life together as a great adventure- that comes straight from the heart of God, who also longs for this."

     "She yearns to be known and that takes time and inimacy. It requires an unveiling. As she is sought after, she reveals more of her beauty. As she unveils beauty, she draws us to know her more deeply.... Every woman has a beauty to unveil. Every woman. Because she bears the image of God. She doesn't have to conjure it, go get it from a salonn, have plastic surgery or breast implants. No, beauty is an essence that is given to every woman at her creation... There is a radiance hidden in your heart that the world desperately needs."

     The books spends quite a bit of pages on the woman's beauty. And I think that that says something. We are beautiful. We are destined to show beauty. Not a size 0, gorgeous locks of hair and long legs kind of beauty but a beauty that shines from the inside out. And we all desire it, and we have it. We are scared to have the very thing that we desire so much. We are scared to unveil it. It takes trust to bring that out of a woman. We are so wounded by the words that have been spoken over us. When it is time to break those strongholds and tell the devil to watch out- there is beauty that is about to be unveiled. It may take some soul searching, long talks over coffee, crying, and seeking God and his plan for us, but that beauty will be unveiled. It's a part of growing up. You have to get to the root of it. Just like a weed, if you just cut it off it'll resurface one day.

     I am not entirely sure that there is any other way to discover who we are other than spending some one on one time with the Lord in our prayer closet. And being honest with ourselves and with God. The cool thing about it- is nothing that we say to God will surprise Him. So have comfort in that. Let's be the women that God has created us to be. Let's be radiant in our beauty. The King is enthralled by your beauty! (Ps. 46:11) Memorize that verse. It's a good one. Let's discover ourselves and be healed and restored from our wounds and become the beautiful woman of God that He created us to be.




Beauty draws us to God

Job.

I have decided to attempt something that will be very challenging to me. I read about it on another ladies blog... B90x. You read through the entire bible in 90 days. This is kind of crazy to me.. and I really am not sure what makes me want to do this, other than a desire to know God- know his heart- know his desires. I am going to push though these 3 months and try to read for understanding and wisdom. I believe that God will reveal himself to me clearly and in ways I haven't imagined. So I have made it to Day 2 successfully. I also am reading through the Bible chronologically, which I am so very excited about. We did a workshop in one of the classes in Panama on David, and one of his psalms was in there admist the stories and I loved knowing why David was praying what he was praying. So I am excited to learn about the timeline of the Bible.
     Today my reading was on Job.. 16 chapters... (Day 2... Job was early on in the Bible) And in the midst of these 16 chapters a lot happens to Job. He is stripped of everything he has- his job, his family, his health, his money, everything. So three friends come to comfort him. I tried to imagine myself going through that in the extent that Job went through it. And then having friends come... and one of the things I realized is that through all of Job's cries to God all he wanted was to hear from God. His friends offered him advice but that wouldn't do. He wanted to hear the voice of God.
     Where my reading stopped today he was still crying out to God. And frustrated that his friends weren't telling him what he wanted/needed to hear. I find myself doing the same thing Job is doing. He wants to hear from his friends what God is trying to say. But God's saying- "No, I want you to want to hear through me." So many times I pray- and I pray to receive prophesies, dreams, words from my peers, visions... all of this. And lately I feel like God has been whispering to me- "Brennen, all of this is good and I will give these things to  you. But I want you to desire my voice, directly from me. I want you to listen to me first. Give me time to talk. It may take a little bit- there's some battling going on... You are in this time for a reason. Listen. Wait. Don't get impatient. Wait on me."
     I don't know if this even makes sense to anyone else. But it does to me. All of those things are ways that God speaks to me and other people. But I, Brennen, have gotten caught up in those things- instead of getting caught up in the Holy Presence of the Almighty God.

     Lord- Speak directly to me, from your mouth to my ears. Give me the ears to hear, open up my deaf ears to hear your voice. Help me to get lost in You and not lost in the "stuff". I love you Lord. Amen.