It's been a week since I blogged last. And to be honest, I am still numb. I don't know what to feel, what to write, what to say, or how to act. I've never dealt with death and grief. It's surreal. It goes against my heart. I don't want to believe that Pepaw is gone. Nor do I want to deal with moving on. It's pathetic almost. The other night, I put on regular mascara. That's a step, and I was proud. I was making a statement to myself that I wouldn't be sad. That I wouldn't cry. I, of course, cried. And am I mad that I cried? No. Because it is natural. I'm grieving. I looked at the steps of grief... and they didn't help. I don't know what will help- other than clinging to the One who has my heart in mind. Jesus.
The only thing I know how to do is be emotional. Sometimes, it's not very loving. I get angry and irrational. I get mad over stupid things and don't want to be around anyone. And sometimes all I want/need- is simply for someone to love me and hold me. I get frustrated when I'm having fun. Why? Because I've forgotten that someone so special to me passed away. Should I get frustrated? No. Pepaw would want me to have fun, to laugh, and to continue living my life. But- I guess it's a part of grief.
I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm not a scholar. Nor do I have my doctorate, heck, not even a completed semester of college. I guess I'm at a point where I don't know what to do next with my grief. But I also think, that if someone told me what to do- I wouldn't like it very much.
So what's my plan? To let out whatever emotion I need to. When I'm happy- I'm gonna be happy. When I need to cry and be sad... I'll do just that. I'll let myself process this loss in my life. It's not something that next week I'm gonna be over. It's something that years from now- I will still struggle with. Maybe not as often, but it'll come up. And that's a lot to get your head around when you've never been through it before.
I'll stand firm on my Rock. My provider. I'll rest in His Heavenly arms. I know that He will breathe strength into me and that He will hold my hand. I know that Pepaw is in a place where there is no weeping, no hurt, and no pain. And for that, I rejoice. I'll take the memories, the laughs, the cries, the fun times and the hard times... and I'll always remember my Pepaw. I'll remember the things he taught me and I'll be sure to make him proud.